


It’s Not Your Fault

by Ducksgoquack



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, Episode Tag: s05e07, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Whump, but then it wasn’t mentioned ever again, remember when Adam found Jay having a nightmare?, so this is it being mentioned again, with the added bonus of them being together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:54:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23964973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ducksgoquack/pseuds/Ducksgoquack
Summary: Just as Adam was sitting down at his desk he heard a quiet whimper coming from the break room. He made his way over to the break room and found his boyfriend seemingly in the midst of a nightmare.
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Adam Ruzek
Comments: 2
Kudos: 84





	It’s Not Your Fault

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hope you enjoy this!  
> One small, not very important, change to the plot from the episode; Adam really was going in early to do paperwork, not to plant a bug in Voight’s office, okay enjoy :)

Adam climbed the stairs up to the bullpen, he had a tonne of paperwork to get done so he figured he’d get a headstart on it before the rest of the team came in. As much as he loved working with his boyfriend and the rest of the team, it could be next to impossible to get paperwork done with them around sometimes. Just as he was sitting down at his desk he heard a quiet whimper coming from the break room. He made his way over to the break room and found his boyfriend seemingly in the midst of a nightmare. 

“Jay, Jay hey man wake up,” Adam said walking up to Jay and gently shaking him awake. 

The moment Adam’s hand made contact with Jay’s shoulder Jay shot up swinging his arms out to fend off the offender that his sleep-hazed mind had created. 

“Hey, it’s alright, whoa. You okay?” When Jay didn’t respond Adam repeated his question. “You alright?” 

“Yeah, man I just came in to take a nap.” 

“A nap? It’s 7:30 in the AM man.”

Jay checked his watch then looked up at the other man attempting to change the subject.“What are you doing here so early?” 

“I came in to do some paperwork.” 

Jay nodded and stood up from the couch, walking towards the door. 

“You sure you’re alright?” 

“Yeah man, it’s just… a bad dream.” 

“Jay, please don’t shut me out.” 

“Adam, I’m good.” 

Adam watched as the sleep-deprived man in front of him turned away and walked down the stairs. 

\----

When Jay arrived home at midnight from wandering the streets aimlessly, the last thing he expected was to see his boyfriend sitting on the floor in front of his apartment. He blinked and shook his head to make sure it wasn’t his sleep-hazed mind concocting something to mess with him but when he looked again Adam was still slumped against the wall with his eyes closed. Jay walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. 

“Adam.” 

Adam's eyes opened when he heard his name, he glanced around confused at first before realising where he was and looking up at Jay. 

“What are you doing here?” Jay asked. 

“Came to see you. You weren’t answering your phone.” Jay sighed and reached out a hand to help his boyfriend off the floor before unlocking the door of his apartment. Adam followed the younger man into the apartment and Jay gestured for him to take a seat on the couch. 

“You want a beer?” 

“Nah, I’m good thanks.” Jay nodded acknowledging Adam’s answer and joined him on the couch. “So does this spur of the moment visit have anything to do with those not-so-subtle glances you’ve been throwing me all day?” 

“It might, it also has something to do with the fact that I just really wanted to see you.” Adam smirked, he really thought he had been being discreet while keeping an eye on Jay throughout the day.

Adam reached forward to pull Jay into his arms as he usually does when they spend nights together but as his hand touched Jay’s arm he flinched away unintentionally. Jay realised what he had done almost immediately and looked away ashamed, which only made Adam’s urge to pull him close to him stronger but he resisted not wanting to upset the other man more. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Jay mumbled while mentally scolding himself for being afraid of Adam, his boyfriend had never given him a reason to believe he’d ever hurt him so why on earth did he flinch away from him. 

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault,” Adam told him gently. 

“No it’s not okay! I shouldn’t have flinched, I- I-” 

“Jay, Jay relax, it _is_ okay.” Adam cut Jay off in his spiral of self-loathing, knowing it wouldn’t end well if he continued.

Jay hesitantly glanced up at Adam hearing the sincerity in his voice. “Are- are you sure?” 

“One hundred percent.” Adam assured. 

The first night they had spent together, Adam had woken up to find Jay curled in the corner of the bedroom shaking with fear. As he had tried to pull Jay into his arms to comfort him Jay flinched away from him. Once he had calmed down and the fear from the nightmare had almost completely disappeared Jay had looked at Adam with a new found fear in his eyes, he had started murmuring that he was sorry over and over until Adam eventually managed to calm him down from that spiral and ask him why he thought it was his own fault. 

Jay had reluctantly explained that when he came home to say goodbye to his mother, his father had found him in a similar position in the corridor outside of his mom’s hospital room. His father had been outraged, Jay had been nearing the end of the episode and had been mildly aware of his surroundings but that didn’t stop him from flinching when his father put his hand on his shoulder to pull him to his feet, which only angered him more. Jay had been told he was being selfish, he was here to spend time with his mother not to spend it curled up crying like a baby. It had been Jay’s decision to join the Rangers and if he couldn’t handle it then that was his fault. Jay told Adam how as children, he and Will were taught how not to be ‘weak’. Their father would hit them for whatever reason he could find or sometimes just because he felt like it, if they got upset he’d hit harder so Jay learned to keep his feelings to himself. After he returned from the Rangers this had been hard considering he couldn’t control his PTSD episodes but from that night on, Jay had been sure to keep his emotions to himself, he would hold it all in until he could break down in private, he didn’t need anyone else thinking he was weak. 

Adam had listened to him, feeling his heart break at how he’d had to go through all that alone. That night Adam had vowed to himself that he’d make sure Jay would know that he could always talk to Adam about anything and he would always assure him that his PTSD was not his fault, that he had nothing to be sorry for. Jay had been pretty good at talking to Adam about it and letting him know when he needed space, when he needed to talk and when he just needed to be held. But Adam knew that there were always gonna be days where he struggled with that.

“Do you want to talk about this morning?” Adam asked softly. Jay glanced away from Adam again and shook his head. 

“Not really,” he whispered. 

“You sure?” Adam checked, not wanting to push too hard but also not wanting to leave Jay to handle this on his own as his father had done all those years ago. 

“It was just a nightmare, Ads, there’s nothing really to talk about. Besides, I’m fine now.” Adam searched his boyfriend’s face for any sign that he was lying. He knew Jay was far from fine though he’d never admit it but he also knew that if he pushed too much when Jay wasn’t ready he’d just end up losing him.

“Okay, but remember if you do want to talk about it or anything else you just have to tell me, okay?” Jay smiled and nodded. 

Jay inched closer to Adam on the couch, suddenly craving the comfort he knew he’d find in his boyfriend’s arms. Adam noticed this and opened his arms for Jay, allowing him to come to him rather than pulling him to him. Jay settled in Adam’s arms as the older man leant back into the soft couch cushions. 

Jay reached for the tv remote and navigated to netflix putting on the next episode of _The Big Bang Theory_. Adam carded his fingers through Jay’s hair and smiled as he laughed at the ridiculous comedy on the tv. He pressed a kiss to the top of Jay’s head before turning his attention to the comedy as the sound of the familiar voices on the tv slowly became background noise for the two boyfriends as they drifted off to sleep.


End file.
